Should You Stay Or Should You Go

Some people like to stay single. Others are looking for a companion and a long term relationship and many are just looking for fun. A zillion of dating applications can attest to that. Falling in love is easy. Staying single is easy. Staying in love – not so easy. Having a heathy relationship may take some serious work over the time. You decide whether you want to put a work in it or walk away. So what is that we should be looking for in our partner? I said before, there are four must have:

  1. Attraction
  2. Respect
  3. Trust
  4. Open Communication

Here are some basic things that have nothing to do with your good looks or even with the attraction level between you two. If more than two are missing and your partner is not willing to address those with you, your relationship will start to build a resentment that will lead to potentially bigger problems such as financial issues, cheating, abusive behavior. It goes without saying that relationships like that will ultimately fail.

Your green signals:

  • I am treated with respect.
  • He or she doesn’t make fun of things you like or want to do.
  • He or she never puts you down.
  • He or she doesn’t get angry if you spend time with your friends or family.
  • He or she listens to your ideas and is able to compromise with you.
  • He or she isn’t excessively negative.
  • He or she shares some of your interests and supports you in pursuing what you love.
  • We are not afraid to share our thoughts and feelings.
  • We are comfortable around our friends and family.
  • He or she is proud of my accomplishments and successes.
  • We respects each other boundaries and do not abuse technology.
  • He or she doesn’t require you to “check in” or need to know where you are all the time.
  • He or she is caring and honest.
  • He or she doesn’t pressure you to do things that you don’t want to do.
  • He or she doesn’t constantly accuse you of cheating or being unfaithful.
  • We encourages each other in or quest for personal and professional success.
  • He or she doesn’t threaten you or make you feel scared, for example threatening to leave.
  • We understand the importance of healthy relationships.

 

Trauma Bond Is Not Love

You might be suffering from a trauma bond if you exhibit the following behaviors:

  1. You know they are abusive and manipulative, but you can’t seem to let go. You ruminate over the incidents of abuse, engage in self-blame, and the abuser becomes the sole arbiter of your self-esteem and self-worth.
  2. You walk on eggshells trying to please your abuser, even though they give you little in return except for crumbs of affection and more pain.
  3. You feel addicted to them without understanding why. You “need” their validation and approval, looking to them as the source of comfort after incidents of abuse. This is evidence of a strong biochemical and psychological attachment to them.
  4. You defend your abuser and keep their transgressions a secret. You might refuse to press charges against your abuser or defend them against family members or friends who try to tell you that they are toxic. You may even present your relationship as a happy one to the public eye, attempting to minimize their abusive behavior and romanticizing and exaggerating any positive behaviors they dole out occasionally.
  5. Even when you attempt to leave the abuser, you give into the abuser’s faux remorse, crocodile tears and claims to change for the future. The pattern of abuse and its cycle may be evident, but you hold onto the false hope that things can get better.
  6. You develop self-sabotaging behaviors and might engage in some form of self-harm or addictions to dissociate from the pain of the abuse and the acute sense of shame caused by the abuse.
  7. You are willing to lower your standards time and time again for this toxic person, accepting what you previously believed was unacceptable.
  8. You change your own behaviors, appearance and/or personality in an attempt to meet the abuser’s moving goal posts, although the abuser rarely changes their own behavior to please you.

Carnes, P., & Phillips, B. (2019). The betrayal bond: Breaking free of exploitive relationships. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health C

 

ommunications.

Abusive Relationships

Have You Ever Been In Abusive Relationship?

Many of my clients who are in a process of divorce have experienced or lived in an abusive relationship. Why does that happen to us?

We live, we work, we fall in love. Often times, at the very beginning, we are so excited about being in love and wanting to be in a relationship which prevents us from reading the red flags that usually appear very early on. As we go deeper into the relationship, we start realizing some of those warning signs. We learn that things never get better. Instead they even get worse.

Different Type Of Abuse In Relationship

Physical abuse is much easier to spot and confront. Since it involves punching, bruising, hitting and other types of violent behavior, the victim shows visible signs.

A relationship can be unhealthy or abusive without physical violence. Verbal abuse may not cause physical damage, but it does cause emotional pain and scarring. It can also lead to physical violence if the relationship continues on an unhealthy path.

Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors such as threats, insults, constant monitoring or “checking in,” excessive texting, humiliation, intimidation, isolation or stalking.

Emotional Abuse In Relationship

There are many behaviors that qualify as emotional or verbal abuse. If any of the following is something that you experienced in your relationship, it is a time for a health check.

  • Calling you names and putting you down.
  • Yelling and screaming at you.
  • Intentionally embarrassing you in public.
  • Preventing you from seeing or talking with friends and family.
  • Telling you what to do and wear.
  • Damaging your property when they’re angry (throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors, etc.)
  • Using online communities or cell phones to control, intimidate or humiliate you.
  • Blaming your actions for their abusive or unhealthy behavior.
  • Accusing you of cheating and often being jealous of your outside relationships.
  • Stalking you.
  • Threatening to commit suicide to keep you from breaking up with them.
  • Threatening to harm you, your pet or people you care about.
  • Using gas-lighting techniques to confuse or manipulate you.
  • Making you feel guilty or immature when you don’t consent to sexual activity.
  • Threatening to expose your secrets such as your sexual orientation or immigration status.
  • Starting rumors about you.

Victims of emotional abuse are ofter suffering a low self-esteem, poor self-care and overall feeling of worthlessness. That makes it harder to reach out to a support system that is crucially important in a process of moving on and healing.

When we recognize those warnings signs and set our mind to it, we can break free from and abusive relationship, give ourselves time to heal and learn how to live and love again. Healthy relationships are are based on mutual respect, trust, honestly, support, fairness, separate identities, good communication and a sense of playfulness. As we move on, the sense of well-being returns and we are, once again, ready to feel good about life. We start to enjoy small things, surround ourselves with good friends and work on our goals.

Spousal Maintenance – Alimony

You are facing a legal separation or a divorce. Suddenly, and after many years, you found yourself in a position to manage your own affairs completely separate from your household and without the source of income that your spouse was providing for the community. Apart from mora dilemma that is present in all divorce and separation cases, you ask yourself;

Should I pursue spousal maintenance?

I spent some time with great clients of mine during which we addressed their moral dilemma when it comes this often bypassed and sensitive issue. The truth is, this has nothing to do whether you deserve it or not. Alimony is based on facts whether the decision of leaving the community will strongly impact your financial affairs and standard of living and whether you can, at the given moment, support yourself without significantly impacting your life style. When it comes to alimony, there are no rules, but general guidance.

What we shooed think of:

  • Higher earning spouse’s need
  • Length of marriage
  • Previous lifestyle and standard of living
  • Age and health of both spouses

Allow me to explain:

This is not about getting even with your spouse and trying to screw somebody up.

The purpose of spousal support is to limit any unfair economic impact to a non-wage-earning or lower-wage-earning spouse in a divorce or legal separation by providing that spouse with an ongoing income. In addition to the five factors mentioned above, the court usually considers non-marital assets and whether minor children are involved when determining need.

Another things to consider:

If you have minor children, your alimony amour will be affected by child support.

Secondly, your alimony is considered as taxable income.

The goal is and it should be to give one spouse temporary financial help until he or she is financially independent. This allows the recipient time to go back to school or gain the skills necessary to find a job.

Source: Forbes

The Mindset Of Not Giving-Up

It takes many years of careful planing to achieve our goals.

It also take a barely one single event to interrupt the cycle of careful planing and change everything that we worked for or hoped and dreamed about in all those years.

So how does that happen?

What just happened to me?

Say for example, you got sick, your close family member got sick, you suddenly lost your well paid job and all the security that it brought.

Why do I always insist on leaving the life to the fullest?

That is BECAUSE unexpected, negative events in life ALWAYS happen.

The mindset of not giving up is what eventually defines our path to success. Our path to a fulfillment in life.

What do I do?

I was lucky to always have the mental power to raise above any issues that would come my way. I had jobs that paid well, then I lost them. I was able to travel and visit my dream places. I met some great people in my life. I started a business and I put all my heart into it. It wasn’t about the money. I was about doing what I cared to do.  I did many other projects. I was versatile. I was able to transition well and I was lucky to find those people in my life who understood me well.

Why is solitude important?

I found a moments of solitude one of the most important things you can do for yourself. The moments when you are able to meditate without judgement and perhaps get a bit more loving and less critical of yourself first, and then of all the others. The power of re – defining of what really makes you happy and refueling the strength to do what it takes again, as many times as it takes. That is the mindset of not giving up.

Self-Awarness And Unconditional Love

It occurred to me that the best things in life, the most trying thing in life and the most inspiring things in life are not the events for which we planned to happen. Awakening moments happen on it’s own.

And what if we got burned in the process? What is we had to face the crisis that threatened our very core of who we are and who we wanted to become?

Our task should be continuing working on our spiritual strengths. We ought to find who we really are not by building our intellectual level, but feeding and connecting with our soul. That way we will continue to self improve, heal what needs and become our own path to happiness, fulfilled without having to settle. Life is not complicated, people are. Negative thoughts are a type of relief. When we see the others suffer, what do we say? We simply say – it could happen to me. And it is comforting to know that we are not the only one facing the crisis. We talk about unconditional love while we setting up conditions. We list our preferences and choices.

Spiritual awakening is rather different. It is a state in which we raise above and we celebrate others without any judgement, without comparing. When and only if we get to that point of spiritual awareness, we are ready to love again. The process of awakening is not an easy one. We are bonded with hurt and pain, just in the same way as we are bonded with a joyful moments in our lives. A deeper understanding of our own core, of those moments that formed our mind-set is what leads us to a path of self – awarness and unconditional love.

When You Need Online Documents

Online Estate Planning and Legal Documents Offer

It’s not always about the money.

Many of my clients do not wish to discuss their last wishes in person. They feel more comfortable having their estate plans completed in privacy of their home and with the minimal human interaction. Of course, they want to save money when possible. That comes as benefit to online document delivery and low overhead that online business have. Technology is amazing thing when it works well!

What About The Online Fill Out Templates

There are many fillable online templates that will help you create your own estate documents such as Last Will, Power of Attorney, Revocable Trust, Living Will that are often inexpensive. Will this work? It really depends. You should ask yourself whether or not this universal template covers your individual needs and whether it cover all state law provisions. Has it answered all your questions? Free attorney advice with those kind of offers, I take that reluctantly.

What Is My Online Offer

Taking into consideration that you are looking to save both your time and money, that you can print your documents at the privacy of your home or office, that you can do your own filing and recording, I offer the online option that provides all the instructions and information needed to get your legal documents done correctly. This offer starts at $85 per documents, including the actual real – person assistance, your Arizona Legal Document Preparer, dedicated to Your state and Your needs.

What Do I Need From You

Once you contact me with your legal needs, I will send you a simple questionnaire to respond to. Next thing, I will create your legal documents customized to your needs and return it to you by email, after you submitted your payment. My message will include all instructions applicable to your situation. I am licensed in the State of Arizona, thus my offer extends to Arizona only. We can arrange to meet at my office any time before and after I prepare your documents. How does that work when it comes to your peace of mind?

What We Create We Can Protect

And here I am thinking…

Does it matter what I leave behind? Does it matter who gets what I own?

I am not rich, why would I bother leaving the Will. I really don’t care what happens after I die.

What happens during the probate?

How can I avoid a probate ?

I have too many creditors.

Thinking of dying is very depressive. The older we get, the more depressive this subject becomes. Even with those in their young age, especially if they already built some assets and had children, accidents happen.

Human life is fragile. Our physical beings are limited in durations, our deeds survive us. But what happens with our assets, or the things we left behind.

When you die without a will, it means you have died “intestate.” When this happens, the intestacy laws of the state where you reside will determine how your property is distributed upon your death. This includes any bank accounts, securities, real estate, and other assets you own at the time of death.

More and more couples decide not to get married.  Most recently, I had a client who lived together with her boyfriends for almost seven years. He accidentally his life, leaving her in turmoil, not only to take care of the funeral, but also dealing with a sad situation when his relatives came after the property that he owned and home in which she lived.

And now what…

Potentially devastating situation for the couples who are living together but are not married. Intestacy laws only recognize relatives, unmarried couples do not inherit the property of the other partner when one partner dies without a will. Unless there is a will which clearly states a person’s intentions when they die, the decedent’s property will be divided among relatives, depending on their relation to the decedent.

 

Trust And Relationships Mediation

“when you break trust, do not expect easy and fast recovery…”

Have you heard of the saying – to truly love somebody you have to be able to trust that him or her first?

Why Is Trust So Important In Any Relationship

First of all, I can say without a doubt that the relationship without a trust is not possible. In my mediation sessions I talk about various ways the issue to trusting others can affect our most important areas of life.

Certain types of trust are natural. For example, as a child its is natural for us to trust our parents or caregivers. If that very fundamental basis of natural trust gets violated, a variety of difficulties in personal growth can arise.

Trust in another person in our adult life comes from our decision to honor and stay loyal to another person who is part of our life. That can be our romantic partner, our friends, our business partners. It is manifested in many ways. For example, we can speak in a manner that the other person can see us as dependable and reliable partner. We can act in a way that the other person feels safe in our company. And finally, we can exhibit the type of behavior or actions that anther person feels confident enough to confide or ask us for help and advice.

This part is rewarding indeed. As a result, we built the true connection with our partner and we feel closeness and intimacy. Our level of tolerance is higher and our relationship can grow.

Why Can’t We Always Trust

For some people, the decision to trust anther person is very hard to make. They have been hurt in the past and suffer from unresolved issues, thus their relationship carries on those unresolved issues and grows into disfunction. For example, they can question everything that their partner does and will apply various techniques to control their partners behavior. Usually, those techniques involve spying on another, over messaging and calling, or blocking them and ignoring them. Caution here – there are, however, those individuals who broke their partners trust. This is not the same and those are the instances when action to repair is necessary.

What To Do When Trust Is Broken

Trust is like hope. We cannot live without hope, thus being in a relationship without trust never works.

This doesn’t mean that everything is doomed. It falls on us to recognize the need to repair the trust level and recognize the causes that led to dysfunction.

I have helped many clients coming to better terms with the issue of trusting their partners. My mediations sessions are designed to facilitate finding the answers and taking steps to regain the trust as well as their self-worth. There is a simple test, as a part of what I do every time when I meet with my clients. They share their most intimate stories and decisions with me. Though this is a business that I manage, there is nothing more personal than this very connection that I share with my clients – the moment of mutual trust. Begin entrepreneur has never been more rewarding.

A Thought Or Two As The Year Ends

Saluting to the year of challenges and blessings!

By the end of 2017,  I lost my corporate job. I was clearly that in a difficult situation. My two children were still very dependent on me and in their most serious transition from the hight school to a life. My savings were deflated from previous investments. Things happen unexpectedly and we should be prepared. I could only say that I wasn’t prepared nor I could find a fast replacement. My friends and colleagues couldn’t do much. They all had their battles to fight. My family was concerned, but as with any other immigrant, the distance did not do us a favor, especially on a deflated budget. Suddenly I found myself alone and I had nobody to turn on. I was stuck.

Why am I saying this? Here is why:

When you live at the certain standard, maintaining that standard requires a certain income. I figured, I would need at least three regular jobs to replace the income I had. However, and most urgently, I had to find the way to pay the utility bills, get the food on a table and try not to loose the house in which we lived. Sounds familiar? Many have been there before me…however, this was not my situation. To make the matter worse, my partner was going through the similar challenges and by the mid 2018 we bought found ourselves jobless.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

I figured I could drop everything, sell to investors and move to Europe. Go back home, start all over, some place better, some place where they knew me, some place were I was loved.

And then, I realized then that it was not over. I had much to hold on to…two lovely children and home that we built, a home that many would wish to have and which I was taking for granted. I had my passion and the business that I started years ago sitting in escrow while I was pursuing my corporate career. And so, I rolled up my sleeves, got the job in two days, negotiated terms that would allow me to pursue my business, and once again walked into my American dream. This time on my own terms, knowing that it will take lots of sleepless nights and endless devotion to who I truly am and what I do best. I simply decided to believe in myself.

Dreams Are Not Easy To Do

Was this easy to do? Absolutely not. Yes, I had doubts. I had moments when I could’t see the vision of mine and I had setbacks. While I can’t say that I am out of woods, I can say that this was the most challenging and yet most rewarding year in my life. I learned what my heart truly desired. I dared to dive into what I did best and get out there in unknown. And I raised above the paycheck. Entrepreneurship is not easy, but it’s certainly irreplaceable.

I am thankful to all my wonderful clients, partners and friends. People are measure of my success. Happy 2019!

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